Crap Gifts

A couple of days ago I got a crap gift. We all get crap gifts at some point, but this is one I almost took personally. The other day, one of our transporters come in and says, "Hey, I hear you like cigars. I brought you one of mine to try." Keep in mind he's dead serious. He then proceeds to hand me a cheap gas station monstrosity with what I like to call, a bitch cap. It's that plastic piece at the end. You almost got to see what this little thing looks like once stuck into one of the dog turds in my backyard.

At first I wanted to laugh and say, "What the heck is that?" And I told him what I prefer to smoke. Names like Gurkha, and Vegas were quickly lost on him and I knew I was talking to a novice. But then when I mentioned basics like Churchill, or Torpedo, and the deer in the headlights look told me he's not just a novice, but totally ignorant in the world of cigars. Keep in mind I do try to keep things in layman's terms here.

So I took this as a reminder that sometimes, people do give us things with the best of intentions, and just don't realize what they are doing. They're not necessarily the village idiot, though they may be. They're just uneducated. In this case, I believe a bit of both came into play. Still, now I need to decide what to do with this POS that some would call a cigar. You may end up seeing a pic of it stuck in a dug turd yet. I'm open to suggestions!

Brief encounters of the trigger finger kind

The mighty cigar. While I admit that there are some women that enjoy them, not to be confused with the Monica Lewinsky incident, it is a pillar of manliness. Anyone can smoke a cigarette. And lets face it, most people look like total idiots with a good old fashioned pipe hanging out of there mouth. But a cigar, there's something that says, "I am what I am, now piss off."

They come in many shapes, and sizes, but I'm looking as something a bit more basic today. Now there are three groups I want to focus on, flavored, gourmet, and natural. Keep in mind this is how I look at them. By flavored I'm referring to your cheap, girly smokes like Swisher Sweets, Black & Mild, and your assorted crappy gas station smokes. These are the pieces of crap that stoner's actually believe hide the scent of their marijuana, or help mask the taste of their bud because their taste palate can't stomach it. While sure, they can serve as an occasional treat for the novice smoker, or a quick fix while you're out and about, they're generally a waste of money and burn through entirely too fast. Really, anyone that enjoys wrapping their trigger finger around a nice stogie on a regular basis will agree that these are the bottom of the barrel.

Then you have gourmet cigars. These are the carefully flavored beasts that take a cigar, and then add an extra something for those people who find a natural cigar a bit too meaty, or like something with a bit of taste for that post meal smoke. CAO is one of many groups that really locked down on this with cigars such as Moontrance and Eillen's Dream. Personally, my all time favorite cigar in this group is the Erin Go Bragh with Irish Cream. This area serves best when you have novice smokers around as well, because they're not usually as overwhelmed by the smoke as they would be when you have a group pulling off of a natural. They also smoke longer than the "flavored" group and are much smoother.

Finally you have the natural group. These are your good old fashioned stogies. They are blended so you have the more earthy, coffee, and/ or nutty flavors. We're talking truly blended beans and spices, with a nice oily wrapper. Sometimes even with a true dash of peppery goodness, combined with some ceder. They're much heavier, and are not generally for the virgin smoker. While some can be worked into, someone that isn't accustomed to what they can offer can easily become overwhelmed by them. These are what I normally enjoy, and my wife makes me take outside. These are more in line with what your grandpa probably smoked back in the day. You can bite down into one of these and not worry about it being done 15 minutes later. Many a night I've sat back on the porch with a nice adult beverage and spent an hour or more with my trigger finger wrapped around a Churchill and basking in its glory while enjoying a sunset, or the night sky.

So to those who truly want to enjoy a cigar, DO NOT buy some cheap piece of crap at the local gas station. Instead take your butt down to a local smoke shop, even better if it has an area set aside for members to smoke, and actually spend some time talking to the people there. Sure, it will cost a little more than the gas station, but you'll enjoy it a lot more.