Death of a Bat

Rant time kids! Ben Affleck as the new Batman? Are you kidding me? This is one of the worst miscasts in Hollywood history. What are they thinking? Just seeing the title Bat-Flack made me want to puke!

They might as well put him in a blue and gray leotard! In talking to others I've said, and will say again, I'd take a claymation Batman over this bruised vagina! A good friend put it best and said they might as well have Tom Cruise pick up the role of Catwoman so he could reclaim his TomKat moniker.

Does Ben have some talent? Yes. But like many actors, he has a limited tool bag. And while I'm one of the few that actually thought Dare Devil was a decent movie, Affleck is no Batman, let alone a Bruce Wayne. I'm sure if Kevin Smith took a minute to think about it, he'd agree that his close friend is a horrible choice to dawn the cowl.

There are a number of others that would make for a better Bat. But that doesn't mean I'd want to see them do it. Samuel L Jackson, Pee Wee Herman, hell, even the kid with downs who played Corky on Life Goes On would make for a better Bat than this polished turd.

All I can say is that this had best be a one time thing. And that he only has a 5 second cameo. Think I'm going to go lose my dinner now.

Today's Special.

My thought of the day, since I've seen a ton of stuff posted about govt internet spying today.

I'm pretty sure the government spying on our internet use isn't about security, but rather an excuse for govt officials to watch internet port without getting in trouble. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Family Healing: Road Trip

Well, last weekend ended on a bad note. On the upside (always have to look for that) the family and I went to Zuni. Needed to start some healing. It was good to see some family we don't get to see very often. A quick trip, but still needed. Here's some pics. This will be a short blog entry. I'll give a little info along the way.

So the trip in was nice. These are going to Zuni along NM-53.

Next up Zuni.

That's it for this time.

Gut Check: When life kicks you in the balls.

Heartbreak comes to us all at various points in our lives. With it the aches, and questions that sometimes will remain unanswered. And emotions that run the spectrum from one end to another. My wife and I are dealing with one of life's heartbreaks now with the loss of our unborn child.

With our last child together, I kept it to myself up until just before he was born. Other than immediate family, I didn't tell anyone. Not because I wasn't happy. I was walking on top of the world. Rather, it was because I don't care for all the hen house cooing. You know, all the crap people feel obligated to say for months until your baby is born. A simple congrats is good enough. But the constant asking how are things, parenting recommendations from people who don't have kids themselves, the list goes on. For most people these are just normal day things that are treated as such. For me, it's unwanted coaching on how to take care of my family. So I kept quite. And my little man, my little angel, was born strong and healthy.

My wife and I have talked a few times about having one last child together. And a few years ago we found out she was with child again. That time I spread word high and low as fast as I could. If we were talking, I was telling you. It didn't matter if you were a co-worker or the checker at the grocery store. I told everyone. In military lingo, I was loud and proud. Then just as quickly as we found out, tragedy struck. We found our happiness with this grand news was nothing more than a fleeting moment of happiness. It was a sadness that shook our family to the core. Something that even today has left a hole in our hearts.

Recently, my wife and I spoke of trying one last time. Given the outcome last time, it was a scary thought. Scary because of going through loss again. Scary because of what she had to go through physically the last time. But we were given a spark of happiness. We found that she was pregnant. And for the past couple of months there has been a surge of joy in our home. So this time around I got superstitious. I didn't say a word because I didn't want to jinx anything. We talked about boy names, girl names, what room to put them in, etc. Life was good. But yesterday, tragedy turned it's ugly head again.

In for what should have been a routine checkup turned ugly. Ultrasounds tend to be quite for the first few minutes normally. But this time, it was quite to the point it got eerie. I'm sitting quietly next and I'm thinking, "Why aren't we listening to the heart beat by now?" Just two weeks ago things were fine. But on this day, things were changing fast. Then it came. The tech on the machine said she couldn't find the heartbeat, and she wanted to get a doctor to confirm. The doctor came in, and in couple of minutes that seemed to stretch into an eternity, she confirmed the news.

To describe the sinking feeling you have in your chest at this point is describable. It's the worst punch you'll take in the chest. But it doesn't end there. It's like you can feel a long talon fingers wrapping around your heart, squeezing it, and throwing it on the floor. Then an elephant wearing spiked heals does a Mexican hat dance on it. And that's just for the first second. Anger, sadness, pain, depression, and more charge through your veins like electricity. After a while, you just go numb. Numb to everything. Food doesn't have taste, humor isn't really that funny, and nothing makes sense.

Then on top of that, you look to your loved one (in my case my wife) and have to be their pillar of strength. I know this is my mission at this point, because no matter how bad I feel, no matter what I want to do, I have to be her strength. This is because regardless of what I'm going through, she's going through worse. She not only has the physical bond with our baby from carrying it, but the physical loss her body must go through. And with it comes a loss of mind that no man could ever know. In my mind, it's worse than not being able to have a child because it's there and then torn away.

There's some solace to be had. Friends that remind me of things I already know. And personal beliefs. They don't take the edge off. They don't make the hurt any less. But they keep me sane. Sweet child, you brought your mom and I great happiness in your short time in our lives. And while we'll never hear you laugh or cry, our love for you is just as great as if we had.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart. ~Helen Keller

Life Change: Work

Life's changes. Sometimes they're big. Sometimes they're small. Sometimes we know that change is on the horizon, other times our body tells us for a long time before it happens. And while this applies to all areas of life, one of the most important aspects is our work life.

Everyone has a different opinion of what their work like and values are based upon their experience, and personal values. For some it's the pursuit of the almighty dollar. For others it's the pursuit of a specific position down the line. Then you have the crowd that wants a job or position for the status it brings, or the perception it appears to bring. For me, it's a mixed bag. One of the big things that I look at is, "will what I do actually help people?" Born to serve after a fashion. By helping others, I'm looking at doing something that can actually make a difference for them. Money isn't that important. It just can't be minimum wage It needs to be consistent with a real cost of living for my family. Basically, anything is better than what I made in the military. And ultimately, is this a place I'll be happy with? I do some research to see how people who do, or have worked there feel about it. And I look at how the serviced community looks at it as well.

So what does this have to do with change? I'll tell you. A lot. First there's the physical. When you don't like where you are, or what you do, we have a tendency to let ourselves go. I'm not talking about just not exercising, though that fits in here as well. I'm talking health. We get sick, and just ride it out. We get migraines just thinking about work. Have you ever been so unhappy with where you are, that you throw up just pulling up to work? I have. It just makes a bad thing worse. There's nothing worse than going into a staff meeting, or even just your desk and having to make sure you have a waste basket first thing. You know, just in case Uncle Spew shows up.Then you have the mental. Everyone thinks about work at some point when they go home. It's not always a bad thing. But when you're unhappy, you get migraines, your blood pressure skyrockets, and just someone mentioning that pesky, four letter word W-O-R-K, is enough for you to scream, "Crap, what now!?!?!" Life just becomes one big turd that's snowballing down hill at this point.

So your body can be screaming, it's time for a change. Change is GOOD! Yes, that's right. For one, it takes you out of a bad environment. You get a clean slate in a new one. The problematic people that made work bad... gone. It's all new. While that in itself can instill fear, it's really a point for you to realize you have experience to bring to the table, and a fresh start to get things spinning the way you want. Life is good! Not only that, but this is the next step in your career path and will make you more marketable whether you stay at this place until retirement, or move somewhere else. You're braving a new path.

So if you're feeling like garbage all the time. Or just feel like you're in a rut, take a look at where you work. Are you really happy there? Do you like what you do? If you answered "no" to either of these questions, it's time to move on. This may seem like common sense, but in reality a lot of us are miserable out in the world. And it can often be because of what we do, or where we do it. Change is the solution. It's not as scary as it seems, just different.

Listen to your body. Listen to your heart. Listen to your mind. Do you need change?

Family Time: 3 Generations and a Memory

Today was a good day. I wish my wife and older kids could have come along, but they were out of town. So it was still a good day for a few of us. Got to spend some quality time with my youngest boy, and my mom. And I created a memory. And a memory created out of quality time is always a good thing.

So what happened? I took them to see the original Ghostbusters movie. It was being shown at a local theater today. And there really is no substitute for seeing a great film like that on the big screen. Sure, you can rent it, or buy it, but you really do miss some things in translation to the home theater. Things such as the bag of Marshmallows on counter being Stay Puft, a prelude to things to come. Details of equipment, or even the characters. For instance, seeing Gozer on the big screen is much more intimidating. She doesn't just have red eyes. Her eyes are intense, and have a lot of things happening. Let alone the rest of her character. The various ghosts are amazing. Plus it's just plain fun.

Of course everyone in my family has seen the Ghostbusters. I'm not sure how many times I've replaced copies of both films. But even my kiddo was excited about it being on the big screen. Which is great in my opinion. Originally, I remember clearly my parents taking me to the drive-in theater to see it as a kid. I've loved it ever since. I remember there was a light rain, and the windows in the backseat fogged up a little bit. Then a couple years ago, my wife and I went to a late showing at the 2011 re-release and got to relive our childhood all over again. So today was my boys chance to experience it.

It's very reminiscent of my first time as well. As it was clouding up while we were at the show. And this evening, closer to the time I first saw it, it's raining lightly out. It's as if Dad is looking down and smiling. Aside from not being at a drive-in this time around, there is only one really big difference. This time I didn't eat 2 large tubs of popcorn, and throw up in the backseat on the way home. ;) Today was indeed, a good day.

A Writer That's Not A Writer

Writing. Seems a such a funny word. Writer. Even funnier. Author. Well that's downright unthinkable most of the time. I support all writers. Those who truly are, or aspire to be. To write is a gift. Not everyone has it. Some try, and like to call themselves writers, but truly are not. To put pen to paper, and create something is truly a special kind of magic. And like all things special, not everyone can have it. That's a part of what makes it special.

For me, there could be some irony that I am the one saying this. Why? Because I'm a talker, not a writer. It's not because I choose to be. It's because if I do indeed have that special magic, I haven't learned to harness it. You see, when I sit down for my blog, I talk it out in my head as though I'm having a conversation. Sometimes that conversation is directed to someone in particular, other times I'm simply talking to myself, and yet other times I'm talking for the sake of talking. So when you read my blog, you're reading a small part of the tornado of ideas that are being thrown around in my mind.

If I applied myself a little bit, I could throw some ink across the page and it would be a short poem. But while I like some poetry, I'm not a poet. I grew up surrounded by books. In my life I've read thousands. I have ideas for stories. One is a vast universe that lives, evolves, and pulses. But I can't put it to paper. I want to. I'd love to. It's a universe I believe at least some others would like. So why can't I? As I said before, I lack the magic.

Up until I sit down to write, I have a plan. People to introduce. Places to describe. Events from great to tragic. However, once I sit down an illness sets in. Everything gets jumbled together. It's no longer coherent. What was up is now down. What was hot is now cold. What what quite and peaceful is loud and overwhelming. No matter what I do, it never comes back together until I stop and walk away. Then the haze lifts. I've tried writing small parts, cards, memos, horrid pictures that don't remotely look as they should. When I was younger it wasn't as hard. I could wave my hand at the last minute, and the rabbit would just appear. Now that I want the rabbit to appear, it appears to have disappeared.

I have not lost hope. I chalk it up as just not being the right time. The time might come an hour from now, a day, a decade, a lifetime. It may not come at all. It could be a universe that only I am to be privy to. But for now I'll wait. I'll wait, and I'll talk, I'll joke, I'll sing, and I'll sleep on it. And one day, one day I'll not only find the magic, but the ability to use it. Until then, I'll talk and share the other things in my head. I'll be a writer, that's not a writer. Life is funny that way. Wouldn't you agree?