Life and Career Changes Part One

What's this? My last blog entries were New Years and 1/2 of 2015!?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me? No it's true. Holy cow does time fly when you're getting life back on track. And boy has it been a ride!

So this will be the update entry? Boooorrriiinng!It's an easy re-cap. Went back to school, and made a career change. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Yes! I left the world of the criminal justice system in the review mirror, and started working in health care. What an oxymoron of a name. Are their great people that care? Absolutely! But then they're leashed by greedy corporations, spineless administrators, and ignorant doctors (No real world smarts for many. Just what they've been spoon fed in their agenda pushing schools.) I'll say it here! Many, not all, doctor's are some of the dumbest smart people you'll ever meet! Get a nurse practitioner, you'll be better off. Nurses save lives, not doctors!

However, I have found the world of Hospice to be a true calling. Funny how even in a new career field I found myself dealing with death on the daily again. Now for some it's a scary place where people are dying. Not always the case! Many people do come improve and come off of hospice care. For some, it's just a way to get better funding from the insurance powers that be, to provide better care for people. That is the bottom line right? Get the best possible care? Sadly though, most don't come off of it. But the relationships you develop with both the patients and their families are amazing.

In just providing care in this area, I found something I'd been missing for years. The work that I was doing MADE A DIFFERENCE! The people I've formed relationships with and have cared for have given me a gift beyond anything you'd get elsewhere. A fresh breath of life. They've shared advise, past experiences, regrets, triumph's, failures, and even first love! While some have feared the end of life as we know it, and what's beyond that veil. Other's have embraced it, and let everyone around them know that they love them and will see them again when they go home.

I've seen things in my life that have given me chills. Nothing has gotten to me more than those who have said, "I'm going to die in 3 days." And then it happens! It's crazy! And for me it's re-affirmation of life after death. It's also drawn me closer to my ministry work.

Gut Check: When life kicks you in the balls.

Heartbreak comes to us all at various points in our lives. With it the aches, and questions that sometimes will remain unanswered. And emotions that run the spectrum from one end to another. My wife and I are dealing with one of life's heartbreaks now with the loss of our unborn child.

With our last child together, I kept it to myself up until just before he was born. Other than immediate family, I didn't tell anyone. Not because I wasn't happy. I was walking on top of the world. Rather, it was because I don't care for all the hen house cooing. You know, all the crap people feel obligated to say for months until your baby is born. A simple congrats is good enough. But the constant asking how are things, parenting recommendations from people who don't have kids themselves, the list goes on. For most people these are just normal day things that are treated as such. For me, it's unwanted coaching on how to take care of my family. So I kept quite. And my little man, my little angel, was born strong and healthy.

My wife and I have talked a few times about having one last child together. And a few years ago we found out she was with child again. That time I spread word high and low as fast as I could. If we were talking, I was telling you. It didn't matter if you were a co-worker or the checker at the grocery store. I told everyone. In military lingo, I was loud and proud. Then just as quickly as we found out, tragedy struck. We found our happiness with this grand news was nothing more than a fleeting moment of happiness. It was a sadness that shook our family to the core. Something that even today has left a hole in our hearts.

Recently, my wife and I spoke of trying one last time. Given the outcome last time, it was a scary thought. Scary because of going through loss again. Scary because of what she had to go through physically the last time. But we were given a spark of happiness. We found that she was pregnant. And for the past couple of months there has been a surge of joy in our home. So this time around I got superstitious. I didn't say a word because I didn't want to jinx anything. We talked about boy names, girl names, what room to put them in, etc. Life was good. But yesterday, tragedy turned it's ugly head again.

In for what should have been a routine checkup turned ugly. Ultrasounds tend to be quite for the first few minutes normally. But this time, it was quite to the point it got eerie. I'm sitting quietly next and I'm thinking, "Why aren't we listening to the heart beat by now?" Just two weeks ago things were fine. But on this day, things were changing fast. Then it came. The tech on the machine said she couldn't find the heartbeat, and she wanted to get a doctor to confirm. The doctor came in, and in couple of minutes that seemed to stretch into an eternity, she confirmed the news.

To describe the sinking feeling you have in your chest at this point is describable. It's the worst punch you'll take in the chest. But it doesn't end there. It's like you can feel a long talon fingers wrapping around your heart, squeezing it, and throwing it on the floor. Then an elephant wearing spiked heals does a Mexican hat dance on it. And that's just for the first second. Anger, sadness, pain, depression, and more charge through your veins like electricity. After a while, you just go numb. Numb to everything. Food doesn't have taste, humor isn't really that funny, and nothing makes sense.

Then on top of that, you look to your loved one (in my case my wife) and have to be their pillar of strength. I know this is my mission at this point, because no matter how bad I feel, no matter what I want to do, I have to be her strength. This is because regardless of what I'm going through, she's going through worse. She not only has the physical bond with our baby from carrying it, but the physical loss her body must go through. And with it comes a loss of mind that no man could ever know. In my mind, it's worse than not being able to have a child because it's there and then torn away.

There's some solace to be had. Friends that remind me of things I already know. And personal beliefs. They don't take the edge off. They don't make the hurt any less. But they keep me sane. Sweet child, you brought your mom and I great happiness in your short time in our lives. And while we'll never hear you laugh or cry, our love for you is just as great as if we had.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart. ~Helen Keller

Man Down: Firefighters End of Watch

Every day first responders know they're putting it all on the line. They know they could very well be lacing up their boots, strapping on their gear, and be saying I love you to their families and friends for the last time. They run into chaos, when everyone else is running out. They witness horrors unleashed by nature, and mankind every single day. And we live with the ghosts of it. Law Enforcement, Fire, EMS, the Military we are the line that keep the wolves at bay.

For some it could be their first call. For others the call may never come. And for many, a call will come that unites them as a small group forever. Yet these calls don't just rattle a few. These calls shake entire houses, units, organizations, families to their very core. 

Today I've sat here at work and watched the numbers move up. A call that seems so common to so many this time of year, and is frequently pushed aside for the same reason. A wildland fire. As of this time 19 firefighters have been confirmed as down in Prescott, AZ. As a nation it's shocking. For the community, it's ravaging. And for the houses they belonged to, their families, and friends, it's a nightmare. 

In times such as this, people want to know the why. But there is none for them to know. People want to know if it's really worth it. But it too will remain unanswered to their satisfaction. As someone who one stood the line of first response, I can answer these things. Yes, it is worth it. Even in a thankless world, where you see little good, and a lot of bad, it's worth it. It's worth it because at the end of it all, you're actions have made a difference somewhere. Even if it's only for one person, that is enough. It's enough if because you represent hope, where some have none. You represent respect, where many have lost it. You represent light when people are in their darkest of times. 

We all know we'll die eventually. We hope we'll live forever. But if we have to go, we hope to go peacefully in our sleep, surrounded by loved ones. Tragically that's not always the case. As a nation, most will never know the names of those that have gone down in the line of duty today. Nor will they know the names of others that will make the ultimate sacrifice. But that's okay. Because first responders answer to many names. Names that we all know and call them by. And today's will live on forever in the spirit that is our firefighter, and our heroes. 

Today, 19 of our guardians have died to keep the wolf at bay. 19 people we'll remember when we think of our heroes, and the sacrifices they make to keep everyone else safe. To Prescott, AZ my heart and thoughts are will you and your families.