Family Healing: Road Trip

Well, last weekend ended on a bad note. On the upside (always have to look for that) the family and I went to Zuni. Needed to start some healing. It was good to see some family we don't get to see very often. A quick trip, but still needed. Here's some pics. This will be a short blog entry. I'll give a little info along the way.

So the trip in was nice. These are going to Zuni along NM-53.

Next up Zuni.

That's it for this time.

Gut Check: When life kicks you in the balls.

Heartbreak comes to us all at various points in our lives. With it the aches, and questions that sometimes will remain unanswered. And emotions that run the spectrum from one end to another. My wife and I are dealing with one of life's heartbreaks now with the loss of our unborn child.

With our last child together, I kept it to myself up until just before he was born. Other than immediate family, I didn't tell anyone. Not because I wasn't happy. I was walking on top of the world. Rather, it was because I don't care for all the hen house cooing. You know, all the crap people feel obligated to say for months until your baby is born. A simple congrats is good enough. But the constant asking how are things, parenting recommendations from people who don't have kids themselves, the list goes on. For most people these are just normal day things that are treated as such. For me, it's unwanted coaching on how to take care of my family. So I kept quite. And my little man, my little angel, was born strong and healthy.

My wife and I have talked a few times about having one last child together. And a few years ago we found out she was with child again. That time I spread word high and low as fast as I could. If we were talking, I was telling you. It didn't matter if you were a co-worker or the checker at the grocery store. I told everyone. In military lingo, I was loud and proud. Then just as quickly as we found out, tragedy struck. We found our happiness with this grand news was nothing more than a fleeting moment of happiness. It was a sadness that shook our family to the core. Something that even today has left a hole in our hearts.

Recently, my wife and I spoke of trying one last time. Given the outcome last time, it was a scary thought. Scary because of going through loss again. Scary because of what she had to go through physically the last time. But we were given a spark of happiness. We found that she was pregnant. And for the past couple of months there has been a surge of joy in our home. So this time around I got superstitious. I didn't say a word because I didn't want to jinx anything. We talked about boy names, girl names, what room to put them in, etc. Life was good. But yesterday, tragedy turned it's ugly head again.

In for what should have been a routine checkup turned ugly. Ultrasounds tend to be quite for the first few minutes normally. But this time, it was quite to the point it got eerie. I'm sitting quietly next and I'm thinking, "Why aren't we listening to the heart beat by now?" Just two weeks ago things were fine. But on this day, things were changing fast. Then it came. The tech on the machine said she couldn't find the heartbeat, and she wanted to get a doctor to confirm. The doctor came in, and in couple of minutes that seemed to stretch into an eternity, she confirmed the news.

To describe the sinking feeling you have in your chest at this point is describable. It's the worst punch you'll take in the chest. But it doesn't end there. It's like you can feel a long talon fingers wrapping around your heart, squeezing it, and throwing it on the floor. Then an elephant wearing spiked heals does a Mexican hat dance on it. And that's just for the first second. Anger, sadness, pain, depression, and more charge through your veins like electricity. After a while, you just go numb. Numb to everything. Food doesn't have taste, humor isn't really that funny, and nothing makes sense.

Then on top of that, you look to your loved one (in my case my wife) and have to be their pillar of strength. I know this is my mission at this point, because no matter how bad I feel, no matter what I want to do, I have to be her strength. This is because regardless of what I'm going through, she's going through worse. She not only has the physical bond with our baby from carrying it, but the physical loss her body must go through. And with it comes a loss of mind that no man could ever know. In my mind, it's worse than not being able to have a child because it's there and then torn away.

There's some solace to be had. Friends that remind me of things I already know. And personal beliefs. They don't take the edge off. They don't make the hurt any less. But they keep me sane. Sweet child, you brought your mom and I great happiness in your short time in our lives. And while we'll never hear you laugh or cry, our love for you is just as great as if we had.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart. ~Helen Keller

Life Change: Work

Life's changes. Sometimes they're big. Sometimes they're small. Sometimes we know that change is on the horizon, other times our body tells us for a long time before it happens. And while this applies to all areas of life, one of the most important aspects is our work life.

Everyone has a different opinion of what their work like and values are based upon their experience, and personal values. For some it's the pursuit of the almighty dollar. For others it's the pursuit of a specific position down the line. Then you have the crowd that wants a job or position for the status it brings, or the perception it appears to bring. For me, it's a mixed bag. One of the big things that I look at is, "will what I do actually help people?" Born to serve after a fashion. By helping others, I'm looking at doing something that can actually make a difference for them. Money isn't that important. It just can't be minimum wage It needs to be consistent with a real cost of living for my family. Basically, anything is better than what I made in the military. And ultimately, is this a place I'll be happy with? I do some research to see how people who do, or have worked there feel about it. And I look at how the serviced community looks at it as well.

So what does this have to do with change? I'll tell you. A lot. First there's the physical. When you don't like where you are, or what you do, we have a tendency to let ourselves go. I'm not talking about just not exercising, though that fits in here as well. I'm talking health. We get sick, and just ride it out. We get migraines just thinking about work. Have you ever been so unhappy with where you are, that you throw up just pulling up to work? I have. It just makes a bad thing worse. There's nothing worse than going into a staff meeting, or even just your desk and having to make sure you have a waste basket first thing. You know, just in case Uncle Spew shows up.Then you have the mental. Everyone thinks about work at some point when they go home. It's not always a bad thing. But when you're unhappy, you get migraines, your blood pressure skyrockets, and just someone mentioning that pesky, four letter word W-O-R-K, is enough for you to scream, "Crap, what now!?!?!" Life just becomes one big turd that's snowballing down hill at this point.

So your body can be screaming, it's time for a change. Change is GOOD! Yes, that's right. For one, it takes you out of a bad environment. You get a clean slate in a new one. The problematic people that made work bad... gone. It's all new. While that in itself can instill fear, it's really a point for you to realize you have experience to bring to the table, and a fresh start to get things spinning the way you want. Life is good! Not only that, but this is the next step in your career path and will make you more marketable whether you stay at this place until retirement, or move somewhere else. You're braving a new path.

So if you're feeling like garbage all the time. Or just feel like you're in a rut, take a look at where you work. Are you really happy there? Do you like what you do? If you answered "no" to either of these questions, it's time to move on. This may seem like common sense, but in reality a lot of us are miserable out in the world. And it can often be because of what we do, or where we do it. Change is the solution. It's not as scary as it seems, just different.

Listen to your body. Listen to your heart. Listen to your mind. Do you need change?

Family Time: 3 Generations and a Memory

Today was a good day. I wish my wife and older kids could have come along, but they were out of town. So it was still a good day for a few of us. Got to spend some quality time with my youngest boy, and my mom. And I created a memory. And a memory created out of quality time is always a good thing.

So what happened? I took them to see the original Ghostbusters movie. It was being shown at a local theater today. And there really is no substitute for seeing a great film like that on the big screen. Sure, you can rent it, or buy it, but you really do miss some things in translation to the home theater. Things such as the bag of Marshmallows on counter being Stay Puft, a prelude to things to come. Details of equipment, or even the characters. For instance, seeing Gozer on the big screen is much more intimidating. She doesn't just have red eyes. Her eyes are intense, and have a lot of things happening. Let alone the rest of her character. The various ghosts are amazing. Plus it's just plain fun.

Of course everyone in my family has seen the Ghostbusters. I'm not sure how many times I've replaced copies of both films. But even my kiddo was excited about it being on the big screen. Which is great in my opinion. Originally, I remember clearly my parents taking me to the drive-in theater to see it as a kid. I've loved it ever since. I remember there was a light rain, and the windows in the backseat fogged up a little bit. Then a couple years ago, my wife and I went to a late showing at the 2011 re-release and got to relive our childhood all over again. So today was my boys chance to experience it.

It's very reminiscent of my first time as well. As it was clouding up while we were at the show. And this evening, closer to the time I first saw it, it's raining lightly out. It's as if Dad is looking down and smiling. Aside from not being at a drive-in this time around, there is only one really big difference. This time I didn't eat 2 large tubs of popcorn, and throw up in the backseat on the way home. ;) Today was indeed, a good day.

A Writer That's Not A Writer

Writing. Seems a such a funny word. Writer. Even funnier. Author. Well that's downright unthinkable most of the time. I support all writers. Those who truly are, or aspire to be. To write is a gift. Not everyone has it. Some try, and like to call themselves writers, but truly are not. To put pen to paper, and create something is truly a special kind of magic. And like all things special, not everyone can have it. That's a part of what makes it special.

For me, there could be some irony that I am the one saying this. Why? Because I'm a talker, not a writer. It's not because I choose to be. It's because if I do indeed have that special magic, I haven't learned to harness it. You see, when I sit down for my blog, I talk it out in my head as though I'm having a conversation. Sometimes that conversation is directed to someone in particular, other times I'm simply talking to myself, and yet other times I'm talking for the sake of talking. So when you read my blog, you're reading a small part of the tornado of ideas that are being thrown around in my mind.

If I applied myself a little bit, I could throw some ink across the page and it would be a short poem. But while I like some poetry, I'm not a poet. I grew up surrounded by books. In my life I've read thousands. I have ideas for stories. One is a vast universe that lives, evolves, and pulses. But I can't put it to paper. I want to. I'd love to. It's a universe I believe at least some others would like. So why can't I? As I said before, I lack the magic.

Up until I sit down to write, I have a plan. People to introduce. Places to describe. Events from great to tragic. However, once I sit down an illness sets in. Everything gets jumbled together. It's no longer coherent. What was up is now down. What was hot is now cold. What what quite and peaceful is loud and overwhelming. No matter what I do, it never comes back together until I stop and walk away. Then the haze lifts. I've tried writing small parts, cards, memos, horrid pictures that don't remotely look as they should. When I was younger it wasn't as hard. I could wave my hand at the last minute, and the rabbit would just appear. Now that I want the rabbit to appear, it appears to have disappeared.

I have not lost hope. I chalk it up as just not being the right time. The time might come an hour from now, a day, a decade, a lifetime. It may not come at all. It could be a universe that only I am to be privy to. But for now I'll wait. I'll wait, and I'll talk, I'll joke, I'll sing, and I'll sleep on it. And one day, one day I'll not only find the magic, but the ability to use it. Until then, I'll talk and share the other things in my head. I'll be a writer, that's not a writer. Life is funny that way. Wouldn't you agree?

Jackson Vs Ortiz: Bellator continues to fall behind the 8-Ball

In my best Paul Harvey voice here. Hello fight world! This is the Crypt Keeper. Standby for craaaappp! Before you get all defensive, read on further as I'm talking about one bout in particular. And in my sites today is the red-headed step child that's always behind the 8-ball, Bellator MMA.

Bellator directly in my site.

Before I get into the match I'm loathing, let me get those of you who don't know me up to speed on my opinion on Bellators current state. With Zuffa's purchase and integration of Strikeforce into the UFC, a lot of fighters were let go for various reasons. Some good, some bad, but none the less there were a good number of fighters looking for a new organization to call home. Bellator had the opportunity to really step up here, add some weight to their roster, and gain some main line credibility as a viable threat to the UFC just as Strikeforce was before their buyout. Bellator dropped the ball. Fighters that should have been picked up were left to walk. And instead of looking at a strong future, they pulled a play out of Dixie Carter's book, and started snatching up big names that should be retired or are just garbage. Essentially Bellator is now the TNA to UFC's status as the WWE of cage fighting. Is sad. It's not to say Bellator doesn't have any good fighters. They do. Their overall product just isn't up to par, and they're too blinded by the well polished turd in their hands to realize it's a turd.

So fast forward to the fight I'm talking about. The recently announced debacle between Quinton Jackson versus Tito Ortiz. What the french toast? Now that we know what match has my blood pressure up, lets take a look at the fighters. Then I'll go into the match.

Lets start with Jackson, who I have respect for. He stepped away from the UFC and admitted he just can't hang with the big dogs anymore. He's close to retirement and is looking at that horizon. He probably has one good fight left in him, but essentially he's done. His attitude reflects this as well. So now he has a contract that allows him to test the waters of the fight world to see if it's really still worth it to him, and he can start making a transition to "professional wrestling" with TNA. A world where his name can still pack an arena, and net some big money. He's at that stage where a crowd chanting, "One more time" actually means something. Rampage, more like Junkyard Dog these days, is a good veteran to Bellator to test its people against to see if they really are ready for that next level. Could Jackson hold a belt? Possibly, but he probably wouldn't hold that strap for very long.

Now for the Huntington Beach Bitch Boy. This classless dingle berry just needs to leave the fight world. It doesn't matter if he wins or loses, he's a bad sport and brings down the fight world anymore. Win, lose, or draw he always has a story about how he broke this, strained that, or some other training mishap that took away from his a game, but he fought anyways. Hey jackass, this isn't the WWE! You don't have to play a heel character! This guy has an excuse for everything. If it was just when he lost, it would be one thing. You could chalk it up to being pissed about the loss. But even when he wins he has something ugly spewing from the suck on his face. Then look at his record. Over the better part of the last decade, his loss record has quickly added up to almost match his win record. Some of those loses are to fighters that are not even up to Jackson's caliber. It's sad. Very, very sad.

The fight itself is good purely for nostalgia purposes. But really it's nothing more than a trip down memory lane as both are far from their prime. It should in no way be the Main Event status it's being given. It's like watching Hulk Hogan go one more round with Ric Flair. Will Tito do the Flair Flop? It's ridiculous. For me, it shows just how involved Spike TV/ Viacom really are with their programming. This fight is entertainment, not a fight. And I know I'm not alone in this opinion. If Bellator really wants to be taken seriously as a fight organization, and not as a stepping stool to "professional wrestling" they really need to change their game up.

TNA Wrestline Sting Vs Hogan. Purely a nostalgic match. So Sad.

This "fight" has the potential to go either way. It could be a money maker provided Tito takes it seriously, and does everything he can to actually deliver a fight. Or it could be just another match on Jackson's path to TNA. Either way, it's a gamble that Bellator has placed way too much in. Queue the music, I'm out. In the words of Paul Harvey, "Good Day."

Reading Solutions

I love to read. For me, ereaders are a wonderful invention. Instead of carrying 5 books in my bag, I have a library on a device that takes a fraction of the space. I grew up with the family bookstore down the road. So it surprises me when I come across someone who says they don't like to read, or don't read. 

There are so many worlds, and new people in books. You don't need electricity to see it. If you get interrupted or have to stop reading, you don't miss anything. It's still sitting there waiting for you to comeback and pick right back up from where you left off. I just don't get how people are so turned off by books. They'll read countless magazines, spend hours reading posts on Facebook and Twitter, countless articles and reports from news sites. People can't even make it through dinner without text. So given how much people already read, it kills me that people won't pick up a book. 

Technology could be the key to this though. Even with Barnes & Noble bowing out of the tablet market, there's still hope. Another company could easily pick up where they've left off and fallen short. Amazon is making a killing. And Kobo is making the mix interesting now with their Arc. Sony, in typical Sony fashion, has an over priced ereader that could use some sprucing up. However, Sony has proven time and time again that it shouldn't be written off. Then you have the plethora of apps for cell phones by all the above and then some. With tablets taking off, these apps could really capitalize if they were marketed better. If more companies would make a better device with an up-to-date version of android, and actually upgrade them to the newer versions like they do tablets and phones, there would be an even bigger market. 

Why do I believe this? Because people love multitasking devices with the most current software. Communication, entertainment, and internet access everywhere. Something to entertain the kids, something to keep everyone in touch, something to help out with scheduling, navigation from time to time, and something to take you away for just a little while. We have the capability. We have the access. We need to get the word out, and more people involved. Not just the big companies. Public libraries could increase their traffic dramatically if they were to get involved. I've come across a couple, but not many. What's that? You need to return your book, but can't get off work to drive? That's okay, it's an ebook and you're connected to the internet! Pretty sure I just heard a "Ka-Ching!" Plus libraries have audiobooks. What's that, another electronic item in your basket? Ka-Ching! The possibilities are endless. Big companies are starting to take advantage of some of these options, as are a handful of libraries. 

So maybe some of these people feel they don't have time to read. Maybe they're a bit intimidated. Just maybe, they don't want to carry extra weight. The technology is the cure to these issues. Get the advertising out there people. Encourage people to read. If people got away from the TV for a little bit and started reading, like the days of yester-year, our countries education levels could start to see an improvement as well. You don't have to unplug to read anymore. Instead, plugin and read up.