Thoughts on my mind.

Had a moment tonight I was missing my brothers and sisters in arms back in the USMC. Specifically the ones I served with in Okinawa, Japan. And then this thought wandered into my mind.

The life of a drinky girl must be hard. They're kinda like that first slice of bread in the loaf. Everyone has touched them, but nobody really wants them. And those who say they love them, are usually not in their right mind.

Andy, I really hope you're puking over the thought of a banana right now.

The Workers Guide to Sanity: Ode of Blue Falcon

Work is a four letter word. It will drive you bonkers quite literally if you're not careful. Personally, I don't like work. I like having a job or a career, but not work. And yes, there is a difference between a job and work. I'll break it down for you here.

Work is not something you enjoy. You don't have to hate it, but most people who "work" dread it. Bascally, it's what you do to pay the bills. It can have a negative impact on your health, or even your attitude. Quite frankly, work makes you hate life. A job (or career) on the other hand, is something that not only pays the bills, but is something you like doing. And lets face it, we all can tell the people who actually like their jobs, from those who are merely showing up for work. Two sides of the same coin. Good versus bad, light against dark, employee of the month in contrast to the idiot you want to throttle.

So this blog entry, in a way, is related to a previous post in which I spoke about life changes, and knowing when to change what you do for a living. I'm currently going into my final stretch before I start a new position I accepted elsewhere. Not because I don't like what I do, or where I'm at, but rather because I need to make some positive changes in my life and put some of my education to work for me so I can provide an even better life for my family. However, while I'm not going to bag on the employer I'm leaving, I will address something that I know everyone can relate to. Trust in the workplace and keeping some sense of sanity.

Step #1 to keeping your sanity at work, don't completely trust anyone. Now, being a Marine Corps and law enforcement veteran, I'm not talking about don't trust anyone at all. There are plenty of places where yes, you have to be able to trust anyone you're working with, with your life. However, outside of those moments you'll find co-workers just as willing to push you off the side of a cliff to further their career as anywhere else. So know you're boundaries.

Step #2, don't take it personally. If you take it personally it will impact how you view your workplace. Everyone wants to get ahead. And we all have different ways of doing it. Unfortunately, some people have no personal ethics when it comes to trying to throw others under the bus.

Step #3, your boss is not your friend. Regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your boss, if they are a leader and not a "boss" it won't matter if you're related to them, they will put the business first. Sometimes that will leave you with the short end of rope. It they're a boss and not a leader, they'll hose you quickly in order to make themselves look good, or position someone else where they want them.

Step #4 a good co-worker is a friend, and ultimately family away from home. These are people you can talk to without worry, will work with you, and can be counted on to catch a drink or bite to eat with from time to time outside of work. Maybe even a BBQ or ball game. If you can't relate to someone like that, don't let your guard down even a little.

Step #5 don't trust the big mouth. Every workplace has them. Those who talk at length about everything, and everyone. And those who try to be in everyone's business. If they're willing to run their soup cooler about someone else's private business, they'll do the same about yours.

Step #6, if it's written, don't delete it. Keep archives just in case.

Step #7, if your a supervisor, make it clear that you are. Don't try to be everyone's friend. A real friend will understand and back you up. Everyone else will respect you for it. Be a leader, not a boss.

Trust in the workplace is critical. Just as it's critical to know where the lines are drawn. If someone violates that trust, forgive them and understand, but do not trust them again.

So here is where I'll give some back story on some events that have re-enforced these beliefs with me.

A ways back I had a co-worker, we'll call them Blue Falcon. Over time I thought I had built up some good trust with Blue Falcon. We could talk about various things, give creative criticism, and life was good. Then Blue was at a point where he knew when he was leaving our workplace for another job. He had a ton of vacation and sick time still on the books and was looking for advise on how to use it best. And we're not talking about a couple of brief conversations. We're talking well over a month of planning in advance. So I offered my suggestions on how to use his time. I also specifically said, to talk to our supervisor about it as well as they're the one who would have to approve of it. I showed Blue where our time off policies could be found. Then just before he left, he said he was going to use some time up. I said go for it. He said he might still cancel some of it and come in. I said that's cool, it's up to him. And then I reminded him to make sure he talked to our supervisor about it. Then he said it was arranged, and that there would be someone else coming to cover his shifts.

At this point, I'm thinking great, he's taken care of business. Everyday that weekend, nobody came in to relieve me for his shift. So I was stuck calling the boss so find out what was up. The boss said they'd take care of it, and left it at that. So I'm thinking maybe it's status quo and people were backing out of their over time. It happens a lot at this place.

The next week comes around, and I get called into the supervisors office. With a finger pointed at me, saying that I orchestrated the whole thing. Shock and awe in the workplace sucks. The boss had an email with fragments of a conversation cut and pasted into it. Luckly, I stand by the archive everything rule. I pulled out my phone on the spot, opened up my MONTHS worth of text back and forth, handed it over and said, "No, that's crap. This is the full length of conversations." I even offered to login to my email right then and there in front of them so that they can see the full email conversations as well, without any alteration before forwarding them. Then I threatened to walk until I had union representation. Yes, I kept my evidence intact. So the boss finally cooled off, and had to admit, they'd been played too. I found out that I had been Blue Falconed. Not only did Blue not talk to our boss as he should have, he had shoved me off the side of the cliff. Lucky for me, my bungie was already wrapped around me.

I had everything I needed to protect myself. And it worked out for me. And Blue Falcon, well I forgive him, because I know he was just looking out for himself and didn't care who he hurt. But I will not trust him.

The workplace can be a great place to hang your hat away from home. Ultimately it is not home though, so watch out so you don't become the next victim of the Blue Falcon.

Death of a Bat

Rant time kids! Ben Affleck as the new Batman? Are you kidding me? This is one of the worst miscasts in Hollywood history. What are they thinking? Just seeing the title Bat-Flack made me want to puke!

They might as well put him in a blue and gray leotard! In talking to others I've said, and will say again, I'd take a claymation Batman over this bruised vagina! A good friend put it best and said they might as well have Tom Cruise pick up the role of Catwoman so he could reclaim his TomKat moniker.

Does Ben have some talent? Yes. But like many actors, he has a limited tool bag. And while I'm one of the few that actually thought Dare Devil was a decent movie, Affleck is no Batman, let alone a Bruce Wayne. I'm sure if Kevin Smith took a minute to think about it, he'd agree that his close friend is a horrible choice to dawn the cowl.

There are a number of others that would make for a better Bat. But that doesn't mean I'd want to see them do it. Samuel L Jackson, Pee Wee Herman, hell, even the kid with downs who played Corky on Life Goes On would make for a better Bat than this polished turd.

All I can say is that this had best be a one time thing. And that he only has a 5 second cameo. Think I'm going to go lose my dinner now.

Today's Special.

My thought of the day, since I've seen a ton of stuff posted about govt internet spying today.

I'm pretty sure the government spying on our internet use isn't about security, but rather an excuse for govt officials to watch internet port without getting in trouble. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Family Healing: Road Trip

Well, last weekend ended on a bad note. On the upside (always have to look for that) the family and I went to Zuni. Needed to start some healing. It was good to see some family we don't get to see very often. A quick trip, but still needed. Here's some pics. This will be a short blog entry. I'll give a little info along the way.

So the trip in was nice. These are going to Zuni along NM-53.

Next up Zuni.

That's it for this time.

Gut Check: When life kicks you in the balls.

Heartbreak comes to us all at various points in our lives. With it the aches, and questions that sometimes will remain unanswered. And emotions that run the spectrum from one end to another. My wife and I are dealing with one of life's heartbreaks now with the loss of our unborn child.

With our last child together, I kept it to myself up until just before he was born. Other than immediate family, I didn't tell anyone. Not because I wasn't happy. I was walking on top of the world. Rather, it was because I don't care for all the hen house cooing. You know, all the crap people feel obligated to say for months until your baby is born. A simple congrats is good enough. But the constant asking how are things, parenting recommendations from people who don't have kids themselves, the list goes on. For most people these are just normal day things that are treated as such. For me, it's unwanted coaching on how to take care of my family. So I kept quite. And my little man, my little angel, was born strong and healthy.

My wife and I have talked a few times about having one last child together. And a few years ago we found out she was with child again. That time I spread word high and low as fast as I could. If we were talking, I was telling you. It didn't matter if you were a co-worker or the checker at the grocery store. I told everyone. In military lingo, I was loud and proud. Then just as quickly as we found out, tragedy struck. We found our happiness with this grand news was nothing more than a fleeting moment of happiness. It was a sadness that shook our family to the core. Something that even today has left a hole in our hearts.

Recently, my wife and I spoke of trying one last time. Given the outcome last time, it was a scary thought. Scary because of going through loss again. Scary because of what she had to go through physically the last time. But we were given a spark of happiness. We found that she was pregnant. And for the past couple of months there has been a surge of joy in our home. So this time around I got superstitious. I didn't say a word because I didn't want to jinx anything. We talked about boy names, girl names, what room to put them in, etc. Life was good. But yesterday, tragedy turned it's ugly head again.

In for what should have been a routine checkup turned ugly. Ultrasounds tend to be quite for the first few minutes normally. But this time, it was quite to the point it got eerie. I'm sitting quietly next and I'm thinking, "Why aren't we listening to the heart beat by now?" Just two weeks ago things were fine. But on this day, things were changing fast. Then it came. The tech on the machine said she couldn't find the heartbeat, and she wanted to get a doctor to confirm. The doctor came in, and in couple of minutes that seemed to stretch into an eternity, she confirmed the news.

To describe the sinking feeling you have in your chest at this point is describable. It's the worst punch you'll take in the chest. But it doesn't end there. It's like you can feel a long talon fingers wrapping around your heart, squeezing it, and throwing it on the floor. Then an elephant wearing spiked heals does a Mexican hat dance on it. And that's just for the first second. Anger, sadness, pain, depression, and more charge through your veins like electricity. After a while, you just go numb. Numb to everything. Food doesn't have taste, humor isn't really that funny, and nothing makes sense.

Then on top of that, you look to your loved one (in my case my wife) and have to be their pillar of strength. I know this is my mission at this point, because no matter how bad I feel, no matter what I want to do, I have to be her strength. This is because regardless of what I'm going through, she's going through worse. She not only has the physical bond with our baby from carrying it, but the physical loss her body must go through. And with it comes a loss of mind that no man could ever know. In my mind, it's worse than not being able to have a child because it's there and then torn away.

There's some solace to be had. Friends that remind me of things I already know. And personal beliefs. They don't take the edge off. They don't make the hurt any less. But they keep me sane. Sweet child, you brought your mom and I great happiness in your short time in our lives. And while we'll never hear you laugh or cry, our love for you is just as great as if we had.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart. ~Helen Keller

Life Change: Work

Life's changes. Sometimes they're big. Sometimes they're small. Sometimes we know that change is on the horizon, other times our body tells us for a long time before it happens. And while this applies to all areas of life, one of the most important aspects is our work life.

Everyone has a different opinion of what their work like and values are based upon their experience, and personal values. For some it's the pursuit of the almighty dollar. For others it's the pursuit of a specific position down the line. Then you have the crowd that wants a job or position for the status it brings, or the perception it appears to bring. For me, it's a mixed bag. One of the big things that I look at is, "will what I do actually help people?" Born to serve after a fashion. By helping others, I'm looking at doing something that can actually make a difference for them. Money isn't that important. It just can't be minimum wage It needs to be consistent with a real cost of living for my family. Basically, anything is better than what I made in the military. And ultimately, is this a place I'll be happy with? I do some research to see how people who do, or have worked there feel about it. And I look at how the serviced community looks at it as well.

So what does this have to do with change? I'll tell you. A lot. First there's the physical. When you don't like where you are, or what you do, we have a tendency to let ourselves go. I'm not talking about just not exercising, though that fits in here as well. I'm talking health. We get sick, and just ride it out. We get migraines just thinking about work. Have you ever been so unhappy with where you are, that you throw up just pulling up to work? I have. It just makes a bad thing worse. There's nothing worse than going into a staff meeting, or even just your desk and having to make sure you have a waste basket first thing. You know, just in case Uncle Spew shows up.Then you have the mental. Everyone thinks about work at some point when they go home. It's not always a bad thing. But when you're unhappy, you get migraines, your blood pressure skyrockets, and just someone mentioning that pesky, four letter word W-O-R-K, is enough for you to scream, "Crap, what now!?!?!" Life just becomes one big turd that's snowballing down hill at this point.

So your body can be screaming, it's time for a change. Change is GOOD! Yes, that's right. For one, it takes you out of a bad environment. You get a clean slate in a new one. The problematic people that made work bad... gone. It's all new. While that in itself can instill fear, it's really a point for you to realize you have experience to bring to the table, and a fresh start to get things spinning the way you want. Life is good! Not only that, but this is the next step in your career path and will make you more marketable whether you stay at this place until retirement, or move somewhere else. You're braving a new path.

So if you're feeling like garbage all the time. Or just feel like you're in a rut, take a look at where you work. Are you really happy there? Do you like what you do? If you answered "no" to either of these questions, it's time to move on. This may seem like common sense, but in reality a lot of us are miserable out in the world. And it can often be because of what we do, or where we do it. Change is the solution. It's not as scary as it seems, just different.

Listen to your body. Listen to your heart. Listen to your mind. Do you need change?